my sorrow

Since nobody really reads this, I feel free to type my most depressing thoughts. It just seems that there has been a lot on my mind lately and, maybe if I write about it, I could let a little more joy in through the cracks of my sorrow.
Once again, I am sick. It's just a part of my life that I can't seem to get used to. BP 255/145--- shouldn't I be dead?!?! I barely weigh 100 pounds. It amazes me that I could eat nothing but salad and Raisin Bran for a whole week and this is when my blood pressure chooses to skyrocket. I'm tired of headaches and feeling sick to my stomach; I'm tired of being afraid to eat. Honestly, and the thought scares me out of my mind, I'm tired of living. It just seems that, as far back as I can remember, something has ALWAYS been wrong with me. Whether it has been my lack of self-esteem, lack of money, or lack of trust -which keeps me from developing close, meaningful relationships, another lacking--- it's been very hard to pinpoint a time in my life when I was truly and unequivocally happy. Something always gives way to the sadness, almost as if, when one door opens, another one closes. How am I supposed to live my life this way?!?! I just feel as if I've lived my entire life in some sort of fear, and the fear is everlasting.
When I was a child, I loved school, not simply because I loved to learn, but because it got me out of the house and away from my dad---the abuser. I tried to explain to someone once that I've never had a spanking and they took it to mean there was no discipline in the house. Shit, I'm thinking, now I have to explain myself. Well, as for my mother, she's only abused me twice; one I barely remember, except my hand swelled up, and once I'll never forget: I've never been a fighter; I don't like the idea of putting my hands on another person. When I was about 8, I chose to go home instead of fighting some girl. Had I been able to see into the future, I probably would've thrown the first punch. Instead, I had to fight my mother. How hard is it to imagine an eight year old child on the ground being stomped by a 30 year old woman? Well, that child is me.
How does a person accept something like that in their life; how can you justify these things when you know God is supposed to be watching over you. No, I've never had a spanking. I've never even been hit with a belt. I've been hit with a shoe, a hand, an extension cord, a foot, a hanger, I've been thrown into doors and shot at with a crossbow, (I think my dad was trying to kill me,) I've been told to bend over in front of a group of my father's friends so that he could kick me What does a person do with those memories. Once, I watched my father repeatedly kick my brother, no more than 5 at the time, back and forth across our living room for jumping out of a chair. I've never been able to sleep well and I often wonder if these images have something to do with it. Anytime I think of my childhood, these are the only things I see. I can't even remember all the times I considered killing myself as a child; too many to count.
Oddly enough, I think I turned out pretty well, considering all things. I may not think very highly of myself, but I always try to people the way I want to be treated. The true joy in my life is simply when people are nice back, which you're not really even guaranteed. Just another reason life can be sucky, I guess. Probably the main reason I don't have many friends; people just don't seem to be nice on a consistent basis, and every injustice I feel makes me cry.
I don't usually say these things out loud, so I guess it's good to get them out. Now I'm feeling drained. Where is the hope?
I try to remind myself that GOD has a plan for me, but even that just makes me feel worse. What if my misery IS the plan? I mean, it's quite possible I was Hitler's right hand man in a past life and now I must suffer. Maybe suffering isn't really my problem; I've become quite good at it as I grow older. I just wish I knew why I suffer, and maybe I could get some sort of suffering timeline to let me know there is an end in sight. Is it warped to think suffering is more bearable when you have an ending in sight?? As I answer my own question, no, I don't think so. again. I can't do this anymore... I'll vent a little more later