always learning...

As this year winds to an end, I'm happy to say that I am quite content with the way things have turned out; I've made mistakes and learned many lessons this year, but each has brought me closer to being the person I know God wants me to be. I've made new friends, moved on from old ones, and tried to make decisions that were right for ME----that's what this year was supposed to be about... me... and I think I did pretty damn well. If nothing else, I tried to do what made me happy, and I'm happy to have learned these lessons along the way...

1.)It's okay to be by myself. I spent a lot of time getting to know who I am as a person, and I realize that you really have to spend time loving yourself before you can truly expect to give or receive love... I feel better equipped to do both :)
2.)I am the only person in control of how I feel. How liberating!!! Everything else is just outside 'input' to be experienced however I choose
3.)***There is no such thing as a friendship without trust.. point, blank, period. If you can't trust a person, why would you call them a friend in the first place; why would you want to have a friend that doesn't trust you?!?! I think it totally defeats the purpose of the word friend. ----This was definitely a major lesson this year: Someone I considered a really good friend accused me of some crazy sh*t and, to add insult to injury, proceeded to tell ALL our mutual friends her crazy lies---THEN sent me an e-mail half-ass apology( we lived together)!! I still feel a tinge of outrage (and hurt) just typing about it and, though it wasn't the easiest thing to do, I had to remove that person from my life; I truly believe I'm better off for it.~sigh~
4.)addition to # 3---- Only now am I beginning to realize that, just because you can't be friends with someone, it doesn't mean you can't be civil, and maybe even associates. When I feel I've been treated badly, I can very easily cut a person from my life; I don't feel bad, I don't miss 'em, they're just gone... as a mature adult, I have to do better. Different people bring different things to my life and, it's okay to 'demote' a friend to an acquaintance if the only alternative is rancor and enmity.
5.) Forgiveness should be thought of in the same we think of Christmas gifts---tis better to give than to receive
4.)NOBODY IS PERFECT (not even me).... I am a perfectionist, but it is unfair to expect the same from everyone else. I'm still working on the 'my way is obviously the best way' thing I've got going on in my brain.
5.) I am not entitled to anybody's kindness; I should give mine freely while expecting nothing in return...WWJD... an eye for an eye and we both lose our sight, right??

Of course there's more (with me there's always mooorrrreeee) but I feel these things really changed me as a person. adios 2008--- happy new year, whoever may read this (prolly nobody) :-P

Old lady???

I learned how to crochet about a month ago and I love it. Right now I can only make scarves and blankets, but I really want to know how to make purses and ponchos--- and house slippers and baby booties--- oh yeah, and hats :-) I only know two other people that crochet and I was thinking about joining a crochet club, but the thought of that makes me feel old. I'm still going to join a club because I yearn for spare moment so I can pick up my needle and yarn, but I wonder if I'll be the youngest person there.... hmmmm, I wanna learn how to make doll clothes, too

On the Other Hand....

The flip side to my happiness, oddly enough, is my boyfriend. Let me start by saying I'm a crier. What I mean to say is, I cry during t.v. shows, movies, commercials, I even cried when the Celtics got their rings, simply because Paul Pierce was crying!! Lately, whenever I watch a movie with an amazing love story ending, I cry uncontrollably, and I'm beginning to think it's because I don't feel that way in my own relationship. Wow!!! My brain seriously just went through the pros and cons of him in the time it took me to go from the p in relationship to the W in wow. I think I might stop typing before I say a bunch of crappy stuff cuz I'm feeling a little crappy about him right now. I guess I just needed to get that theory out, at least.
To Be Continued....

Broke, Blessed & Happy

I am a bartender at a pretty laid-back restaurant. I'm not poor and I pay my bills, but I certainly don't make a lot of money. It's a pretty slow place with lots of regulars; we really don't shake things up too much around there. Daily I encounter mediocre tips and guests with bad attitudes, but there is no place I'd rather be!! The people I work with are awesome(they include my best friend and her mother) and I love being around them. My work buddies are always good for a laugh, and you can always count on them to talk badly with you when somebody gets on your nerves: ) We go out, we hang out, and we're ALWAYS there for each other. Most of the people I work with are now some of my really good friends.
I recently got out of a long-term friendship that went sour, and it's good to be surrounded by people you know are REALLY there for you and really have your best interest at heart. I'm not one to be attached to people, but I know my life would be different if just one of them were removed from the equation.... Brittany, Dana, Jazz, Karen, Dominique, Tiffani, Tiffany, Taucia, April<---- we may not be rich, and sometimes we can't stand that place, but I wouldn't have it any other way if it meant I never would have met you. I'm thankful to have such a wonderful group of women in my life who keep it real and know what the true meaning of friendship is. I know I am truly blessed.

Green Changes

I keep trying to tell everybody that we need to do more for our environment, but they say actions speak louder than words, sooo..... here are some green life changes I've made.

*I recycle EVERYTHING!! Honestly, my laundry area looks like a recycling center.
*I buy toilet tissue and paper towels made from recycled materials.
*I've started taking "Navy" showers ( get wet, turn the water off while you wash, then turn the water back on to rinse off.
*Also, I've never been one for long showers; if it's even ten minutes I've been in the shower way too long.
*I unplug all appliances that aren't in use. Obviously not the fridge, but the microwave, radio, t.v.'s, ANYTHING not in use. Some people don't realize if it's plugged in it's using power.
*This may gross some out, but I heard a motto and I ran with it:--- If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down--- yes, we're talking about the toilet :-) and we're saving water.
*I've always been a light flicker-- if it's on and no one is in the room, I HAVE to turn it off. I can't stand random lights on.
*I buy organic goods.
~~~*Last but not Least*~~~
*I share everything I learn and all the changes I've made with as many people I can.
GO GREEN*

Genocide Celebration

As November zooms by and Thanksgiving begins to peek around the corner, I wonder does anyone ever think about the people who have no reason to be thankful for this dreadful holiday. I have Native American blood dripping from both sides of my family tree, and I always feel just a little sick to my stomach this time of year. Had we not been so kind to those pale-skinned strangers, history may have taken quite a different turn, away from the senseless, cruel mass murder of a civilization. I wonder if the Pilgrims were contemplating the extermination of the Native American people as they dined on turkeys and maize; the ultimate example of biting the hand that feeds you. Did they find humor or irony in the moment, knowing they would bring death to the people that were helping them live.
I often wonder how it is that we celebrate this holiday every year without giving a moment's notice to the fact that the day we call Thanksgiving wasn't a day of thanks for everyone. Would our country be so great without it's history of land stolen from massacred Native Americans and free labor forced upon stolen Africans? What has our country given to what is left of this generous people; where is their holiday? At least freed slaves were supposed to get 40 acres and a mule; did anyone even think to apologize or even simply thank the Native Americans for their amazing contribution to our country.

Dead presidents have a day, veterans have a day, mother's, father's, Jesus and Martin Luther King Jr. have a day.... when do the true Americans get a day to celebrate their life? I hope you all think about that as you celebrate their death.

Big 3 Bailout Blunder

After two weeks of news about how bad Chrysler, Ford, and General Motors are doing, they finally had their day in Washington yesterday, and they screwed up Big Time. Would you believe the three CEO's arrived separately in private jets!! That's about $30,000 a piece, gone in the blink of an eye-- and yes, our tax dollars paid for it. Imagine my amusement when they were actually questioned about the jets; of course there was nothing any of them could say. At one point they were even asked to raise their hands if they would give up the jets in order to raise capitol for their companies; "let the record show no one has raised their hands," was the comment that ended that awkward silence. I am happy to say Congress has decided not to even vote on this automotive bailout until these companies get their act together. Score one for the little guy :)

I LOVE YOU

I just want everybody's tomorrow to be a little bit better than today.

I love you. I don't even know you and I love you; you've never given me a reason not to love you.

I think you're wonderful. Somebody else thinks you're wonderful. You should think you are wonderful, too.

None can judge you but the person that made you. Whether you believe that is a higher power (who can do no wrong and loves you unconditionally) or you believe that's your mother and father (who are human and of course can do wrong... and they love you unconditionally) NO ONE can judge you, so why worry about what other people have to say about you. YOU know who you answer to.

Make an effort to think a positive thought when you wake up in the morning. There is at least one good thing going on that you can think of, even if you have to think really, really hard. It will really start your day off on a happy note.

Remember, tomorrow is a new day; don't make yesterday's mistakes. There is a reason you can never go back there.

have a nice day.

NOT AGAIN!! The Bailout II??

As we continue to debate the necessity and efficiency of the first bailout, which put us even farther in national debt, ( how exactly do you bailout out anybody with $$ you don't have) there is talk of yet another bailout, this time for the automotive industry. General Motors(GM), Ford, and Chrysler are now asking for 25 billion dollars, crying that if this relief does not come they may be forced into bankruptcy---> people will lose jobs, the economy will crumble.... starting to sound familiar?? Let me remind you that we tried this with Chrysler in '79; it obviously didn't work because here they are again.
We first need to accept the fact that, at the moment, we are way behind foreign car companies when it comes to car quality; that is the main reason we sell less cars in our own country and export very few to other countries. I mean the concept is simple: Make a decent, competitive product and people will buy it. Make a sub-par product, "ya makes no dollas." Honestly, how many of us drive American cars? Why should these companies be rewarded for falling behind foreign car makers, deciding to produce gas guzzlers like the Hummer and the Escalade instead of moving toward fuel eficiency.***If you read an earlier blog you'll learn how GM actually fought against fuel efficiency and squashed it's first electric car--- Car companies actually sued California for trying to pass a law forcing them to make more fuel efficient cars***
Anybody been to Flint, Michigan lately? Instead of being a thriving city centered around the wealth produced by the local Ford plant, it is a shell of its former self. As more and more or these automotive plants close their doors and head to foreign countries with cheap labor, thousands of Americans are left jobless!! If people have no jobs, they have no money. Who do they expect to buy the cars?!?! These car companies don't even buy half their parts in the United States, yet we're suppposed to just throw our tax dollars at them. I think that's absolutely ridiculous to give our tax dollars to companies that are giveng the bulk of their money to somebody else.
America is having a tough time right now; that's just the way it is and we all know that. Who's picking and choosing who is worthy of help and who just has to suffer through the hard times?

Gimmie My $$$$$ Back!!!

This week I watched my government scare itself into passing a bill that we as citizens are clearly against, and I believe we're all left asking the same question: If they (Freddie, Fannie, and the rest) got themselves into this mess, why do we have to get them out?!? I'm also questioning how much this will actually help me and the people around me, and whether it was actually meant to help me in the first place.
Consider this: the bill started out as a 3 page, $700B "rescue" plan. We were told it would majorly effect loans and it would be very important to pass this bill; it didn't make it out of the House. Next, the bill went back to the Senate, where it received some of it's not so flavorful "sweeteners," a few tax cuts for oil companies, tax cuts on rum, wooden arrows, and incentives for Hollywood to make movies in the US instead of abroad. Simultaneously, we were practically threatened through the media, being told that failure of this bill meant we would lose our homes, small business would go under for lack of business loans, banks would go under and, basically, the entire country would financially implode!! In the meantime our 3 page, $700B bailout bill was transformed into a 1000+ page catastrophe with almost $1 billion in extra spending!!
Well, the second time around (yesterday) the bill has been passed, and we're all left to wonder, if this is supposed to help the American people, how come our opinion didn't count?

The last thing on my mind: when did my government decide it was easier to scare the American people into doing it's bidding than it was to give us the facts and let us think for ourselves?

Big solutns; small steps

I drive through downtown at 2 in the morning and see hundreds of empty high-rise building windows gleaming with electric light; I'm talking about downtown Atlanta, but I'm sure everyone everywhere has witnessed the same scene. Every weekend there's a Nascar race, and I can walk into most Kroger's or a Wal-Mart at any time, day or night. As a matter of fact, I'm in my bedroom but my living room light is on ('scuse me for a second)

All I keep hearing about is the energy crisis we are experiencing; now they're saying we'll soon run out of the delicious electricity we eagerly gobble up without a second thought. Do you know what a BROWN-OUT is?? While everybody is arguing about the fate of the world as we know it, nobody seems to be looking at the easy solutions.... USE LESS!!! The empty lighted buildings aren't helping to guide anyone through the dark, and those Nascar racers aren't going anywhere with the fuel they burn. Why are we so eager to further destroy our world by trying to drill for oil on restricted/preserved land, when there are so many EASY things we could be doing. How many lights illuminate the Vegas night sky 24/7??? How many lights are on in a different room of your house.... and nobody is in the room? It's just as easy to flip the switch off as it is to turn it on; why is it such a hard thing to do.

We may have a very large problem before us, but the steps in the right direction are easy.Don;t just wait for something big to happen, do something small.

Home at Last

I am so happy to be in my new home. As soon as I set foot in here I could feel the difference from the old house. There is calm in the air and I LOVE IT. I don't miss that old stress box at all; this is a REAL home. Ahhhhhhh

Moving on :) :) :)

I am so excited!!! I get to move into my new apartment on Friday!!! I feel like I have been living in a pressure cooker; this house just has so much stress in it. I will be glad to leave the negative energy behind. Plus, I'm just excited about my new apartment because it's just so awesome. I feel like jumping up and down and dancing and screaming---- I'M SOOOOO HAPPY!!! adios

L O S T

Well, lately I've been feeling like my roommate is a horrible person who treats me like crap and I didn't know what to do about it....so I wrote her a very mean note. I know how lame that is, but for some reason that's the only way we can communicate. Anyway, I immediately felt better after I wrote the note; it was as if all the negative energy flowed out of my body and onto the paper. Unfortunately, it only took about a day for that feeling to be replaced with an emotion I can't even describe; it's that feeling you get when you know your mother wouldn't approve or when you make someone younger than you cry. I would say that my note was blunt; my mother would call it mean. I truly meant everything I said, but I'm starting to feel I could've chosen my words better. It really wasn't a nice letter, and I find myself feeling like a very bad person. How am I supposed to fix this?!?!? Heaven, help me!!!

My walk through "The Valley"

Lately, I really have felt like I was in a Psalm, walking through the valley of a bad friendship. I've been overwhelmed with negative emotions more than I care to mention, and I have been very afraid of those emotions; I truly felt like I was walking blindly in the darkness. What do you do when you don't love a person anymore; do friends "break-up?" I mean, does somebody make it official or do you just stop talking and let your relationship fizzle? People keep saying we'll get over it, but when is history not enough to make a friendship? Is there a limit to the amount of times a person can treat you like crap... for no reason (cuz, I guss in my mind, if you have a reason it's somehow different.)
I've been wandering in confusion, asking myself those questions over and over again. I don't know why it took me so long to realize I'm not the one who can answer those questions.
PRAY. Who better than the Lord to bring some clarity to my life. I won't say I have an answer to any of my questions, but I do have some peace, which is what I really needed. I'm neither angry nor sad, just peaceful. I now that the only thing I can do is trust that a higher power can lead me in the direction I need to go. Whether I'll come out of this with a friendship, I can't say, but I'm not afraid of what's happening
p.s. I'm still open to advice *smile*

"Who Killed the Electric Car?"

As a person living in a world that is constantly questioning the idea of global warning and carbon emissions, it saddened me to know that we actually took a step in the right direction and progress was stopped dead in it's tracks. Does anybody even remember the electric car?!?!? Apparantly it came out about the early 90's, which would make people in my age group around 12ish (give or take a year.) It wasn't until I was well into the movie that they showed a clip of an old commercial for the electric car and my brain went DING!! I REMEMBER THOSE COMMERCIALS WHEN I WAS LITTLE, AND THEY WERE HORRIBLE!! The music was all depressing and the commercials were all dark--- except for the one where all the electrical appliances started unplugging themselves and 'traveling' outside to "meet" the electric car---does anybody remember that commercial from when they were little??

Here's a BIG question... why are we fighting over oil, I mean, starting wars over oil, when we had the oppurtunity to ease our dependence and we litterally crushed it. Why would a car company (GM) produce an electric car, try it's best to make it look bad, refuse to supply the car to people that wanted to buy it, then basically repo them all and just destroy them. At one point they were producing electric cars and them sending them straight to be crushed and shredded. Does anybody really want us to make progress? How do these things happen and nobody knows about them?!?!?

As Americans, why don't we care more about what's happening around us, not just in other parts of the world, but in our own country. Everyday they are making laws that whittle away our rights and decrease the quality of our living just so somebody can get rich. amd we do nothing about it. How much do they have to take from us before we decide to stand up and do something?!?!?

Babies, babies, babies :)

Today is Mother's Day and I think that is so exciting. It seems like all my friends had babies last year and it's exciting to be wishing them Happy Mother's Day for the first time; it's like you literally added a holiday to your calendar, and everybody loves holidays.

I konw my mother will probably never get a chance to read this, but she is awesome--and now the whole world knows!!! I am thankful to have a person in my life that I can truly talk to about ANYTHING, and she can always put my mind exactly where it needs to be, even when she's not saying exactly what I wanted to hear. I am thankful to have a person in my life that tries her best to understand me even though I know I can be a very complicated person. She loves me when I'm a jerk, and commends me when I'm not. My only regret is that everyone doesn't experience this kind of freedom, love, and honesty in their relationship. My mother tells me she loves me EVERYTIME WE SPEAK, even if we just had an arguement.... I know people who say their mother never says I love you. ( on a side note, maybe that's why my roommate is always so angry... love is very powerful, even just the words... I love you, girl, even when you hate me and hate on me)

I hope everybody finds and shares love today, not just with your mothers, but with everybody. I LOVE YOU.

Dear Lord WHY?!?!?

That seems to be the number one question on my mind lately... Why? I never claim to be a perfect person, but I try to be a respectful person; if you're cool with me, I'm cool with you. If we're not cool, just let me know. I think those are pretty simple rules. Suddenly I find myself in a house where the peace has been turned upside-down; I just want someone to tell me Why.



A few Sundays back, I had a nice lunch with my roommate. A live band played as we cracked jokes over a made even more delicious by the fact that it was free meal. Life was good. Fast-forward to today and, somehow, I'm an internet sabotaging, mail stealing who know's what she's calling me these days. I just don't understand how all this drama happened, like I must have watched it in a movie or something. It all happened so fast... I'm still confused!! I was angry, like, what did I do to deserve any of this!?!? It's not like I surround myself with lots of people, so you'd think the people in my life would know that and realize they are in my life for a reason. Why??? Why would somebody that calls me a friend believe that I would intentionally terrorize them... and by sabotaging some internet box that I don't even know what the heck it is?!?! Why??? Why would I steal a person's mail. I live with you!!! She never thought to ask me if I was expecting something that hadn't shown up yet( I was, and never for a moment did it pop into my brain that one of my roommates had hijacked my mail)



To make it even worse, I endured all the accusations and being cursed out by my roommate (who knows I hate being cursed at) only to find that she was in posession of something dear to me that I had made such a fuss about losing. I cried, I was so angry. UGH!!! I just don't get what's going on, and all this drama sucks, for lack of a better word. UGH AGAIN!!!



i feel a little better now. thank you

My Passionate NO for HIllary

Why do people keep voting for Hillary Clinton?!?! At a time when we are trying to rejuvinate our country after what everyone is calling "Bush Economics," how is it possible that some have chosen to stand behind a woman that has proven herself an outright liar, not just once or twice, but almost everytime she opens her mouth? From a more personal interpertation, simply put, Hillary Clinton is a HATER!!! Do you really want a HATER running your country?!?! We all know haters lack the ability to act reasonably because they are driven by the desire to weaken and tarnish all that is at peace. In case you haven't figured it out, I cannot stand Hillary Clinton!! (or haters for that matter?)

Hillary Clinton stands for more of the same old underhanded, sneaky, whatever-it-takes-to-get-ahead attitude that we need to be getting away from. Remember when all this began and Barack Obama had just stepped on the scene; everything was nice and polite, all "I want to bring you universal healthcare- her plan really isn't as wonderful as she would like you to believe - and get the soldiers out of Iraq;" We watched debates about the issues and learned what a candidate could do to truly improve our quality of life. We talked about education, tax cuts (maybe), and new foreign policy. As the months went on, the American people started to regain their faith in the process. Voters turned out in record numbers. More young people were getting involved, excited by the democratic process and ready to excercise a right so powerful a man could chop off another man's hand because he had it: the right to vote. Ladies and gentleman, we had ourselves a race.

That's when the trouble began; as soon as Hillary Clinton began to experience some real competition, the slander campaign began. Now I see Rev Wright on the news every damn day. Did he jump into the democratic race and I somehow missed it? Why do we care so much about what this man has to say? Next we were asked to question whether Obama is patriotic enough. What exactly does that mean, anyway? Is a flag door mat patriotic, or is it better to have a flag hanging in your yard? We are at war; if you think the war is wrong, are you being unpatriotic? And, since we're on the subject, when was the last time we talked more about the war and our soldiers than we did about Rev Wright and a supposed elitist, out of touch Obama?! It's all become quite sad as we've watched the real issues shrink under the cloud of the Clinton smear campaign. Is this really the person you want running your country, the person who bobs and weaves the issues as she pounds us into confusion with a dirty Obama 1,2 punch? WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE BRAINS OF YOU HATER HILLARY SUPPORTERS?

Now she wants to obliterate Iran. As I asked myself, "Did she really just say that...out loud...on TV?!?" I was reminded of her flat out fabricated sniper experience. Yeah, she said it...out loud...SIGH...on tv. Once again, this is not the direction we want our country to be taking, more of the Big Bully American foreign policy. What's the point of having translators if nobody's talking? I've got a t-shirt idea--Iran is the new Iraq--Out of the frying pan, into the fire, anyone?

Well, if you've made it this far, I hope I have been convincingly passionate about the woman I have officially named Hater Hillary deep in my thoughts. She is simply more of the same, and that is exactly what we need to get away from to move forward. Voting for Hillary is voting for trouble. What would you do if you heard somebody say they would obliterate YOU? Think about it.