When it's over

When it comes to hard times in a relationship, theories on how to handle this problem seem to be divided by the generational gap. The wisdom of my elders seems to suggest it's possible to work through anything, while my passionate and fast-paced teenage co-workers are always "moving on to the next." I, finding myself right in the middle , am starting to believe it is truly a combination of both; some things are worth staying for and some people are worth running in the opposite direction. Quickly. With age comes pet peeves, and thus, a level of personal tolerance. Anybody, who encounters people EVER, has learned what they can and cannot deal with in another person, romantically or otherwise. That sounds easy to me. Unfortunately, once emotions get involved, the ease seems to fade into the complication of tears, sadness, and I love you's. How is a person supposed to know when they've tried hard enough, and when is it okay to hurt another person's feelings in salvation of your own? Can the leaver ever truly convey to the left that this is the best thing for both of us?? When do you know it's the time to hurt another person in exchange for your freedom....

So sick...

Lately I've been asking myself (A LOT) what was I thinking when I went out with a guy 6 years younger than me. One major thing I've realized... he's really not as mature as he thinks he is. Plus, he's starting to annoy me. I mean, he's still a nice guy, although his manners aren't quite what I thought they were; I just don't feel like we're on the same level, and I'm tired of being broke (which I realize I blame him for, but hey, I wasn't broke when I met him!!)

I'm sick of staying up till 10 o clock to make dinner and I'm sick of not feeling appreciated for it. Honestly, sometimes I'm just sick of looking at his face. I don't even want to kiss him--- it's actually gotten to the point where I make faces every time he tries to kiss me ( I've even shooed him away a few times, but I had to play it off so I wouldn't just be a big ass jerk)

Apparently, as with every other relationship I've ever had, I've just outgrown this situation. I actually gave my number out for the first time since we've been together; it was two days ago. Why am I still here?? I feel like I've lost my edge; usually this fool woulda been out of my life a loooong time ago (yes, I kick 'em to the curb quick lol) I know it's because I allowed myself to connect my life with his....UGH!!!! What the hell was I thinking?!?!

I just feel like I want to run away..

Snow *birth* Day

It always rains on my birthday. Though I can't stand rain, this fact is something I live with, and not unhappily, I might add. This year, I awakened to he usual sounds of rain--- ahhhh, the raindrops hitting the pavement let me know it's really my birthday. The pitter-patter subsides by the time I pull myself from my lime green sheets (comfy jersey knit like a t-shirt) and, as I make my way to the window I realize that, though there is no more rain, something is definitly falling from the sky. IT'S SNOW!!! Even Charlie is so excited he looks like he's having a seizure the way his head jumps from this direction to that, unable to focus on one snowlake at a time. I throw on my coat and some sneakers, grab the cat, and make a run for the great outdoors. This may be a downer for some, but the kid I'm happy I'll never outgrow is full of weather induced ecstasy. Itz ma birfday!!!!!!!!!

my sorrow

Since nobody really reads this, I feel free to type my most depressing thoughts. It just seems that there has been a lot on my mind lately and, maybe if I write about it, I could let a little more joy in through the cracks of my sorrow.
Once again, I am sick. It's just a part of my life that I can't seem to get used to. BP 255/145--- shouldn't I be dead?!?! I barely weigh 100 pounds. It amazes me that I could eat nothing but salad and Raisin Bran for a whole week and this is when my blood pressure chooses to skyrocket. I'm tired of headaches and feeling sick to my stomach; I'm tired of being afraid to eat. Honestly, and the thought scares me out of my mind, I'm tired of living. It just seems that, as far back as I can remember, something has ALWAYS been wrong with me. Whether it has been my lack of self-esteem, lack of money, or lack of trust -which keeps me from developing close, meaningful relationships, another lacking--- it's been very hard to pinpoint a time in my life when I was truly and unequivocally happy. Something always gives way to the sadness, almost as if, when one door opens, another one closes. How am I supposed to live my life this way?!?! I just feel as if I've lived my entire life in some sort of fear, and the fear is everlasting.
When I was a child, I loved school, not simply because I loved to learn, but because it got me out of the house and away from my dad---the abuser. I tried to explain to someone once that I've never had a spanking and they took it to mean there was no discipline in the house. Shit, I'm thinking, now I have to explain myself. Well, as for my mother, she's only abused me twice; one I barely remember, except my hand swelled up, and once I'll never forget: I've never been a fighter; I don't like the idea of putting my hands on another person. When I was about 8, I chose to go home instead of fighting some girl. Had I been able to see into the future, I probably would've thrown the first punch. Instead, I had to fight my mother. How hard is it to imagine an eight year old child on the ground being stomped by a 30 year old woman? Well, that child is me.
How does a person accept something like that in their life; how can you justify these things when you know God is supposed to be watching over you. No, I've never had a spanking. I've never even been hit with a belt. I've been hit with a shoe, a hand, an extension cord, a foot, a hanger, I've been thrown into doors and shot at with a crossbow, (I think my dad was trying to kill me,) I've been told to bend over in front of a group of my father's friends so that he could kick me What does a person do with those memories. Once, I watched my father repeatedly kick my brother, no more than 5 at the time, back and forth across our living room for jumping out of a chair. I've never been able to sleep well and I often wonder if these images have something to do with it. Anytime I think of my childhood, these are the only things I see. I can't even remember all the times I considered killing myself as a child; too many to count.
Oddly enough, I think I turned out pretty well, considering all things. I may not think very highly of myself, but I always try to people the way I want to be treated. The true joy in my life is simply when people are nice back, which you're not really even guaranteed. Just another reason life can be sucky, I guess. Probably the main reason I don't have many friends; people just don't seem to be nice on a consistent basis, and every injustice I feel makes me cry.
I don't usually say these things out loud, so I guess it's good to get them out. Now I'm feeling drained. Where is the hope?
I try to remind myself that GOD has a plan for me, but even that just makes me feel worse. What if my misery IS the plan? I mean, it's quite possible I was Hitler's right hand man in a past life and now I must suffer. Maybe suffering isn't really my problem; I've become quite good at it as I grow older. I just wish I knew why I suffer, and maybe I could get some sort of suffering timeline to let me know there is an end in sight. Is it warped to think suffering is more bearable when you have an ending in sight?? As I answer my own question, no, I don't think so. again. I can't do this anymore... I'll vent a little more later

Fair

What is fairness?? I mean, if there is somebody out there deciding what's fair, can it really be fair to everyone? The more that I experience in life, the more I believe the answer is no. As a matter of fact, very few things are fair; I believe it more and more every time I see a Michael Moore documentary. I mean, recession aside, we live in one the wealthiest, most modern and technologically advanced countries in the world; why are there people starving... or homeless... or poor. It amazes me that I live in a world where people can buy dining room tables with diamonds set in the wood, but nobody has anything but contempt for the homeless man on the corner. In Atlanta, we don't hear about the homeless until it's an extremely cold winter and somebody has frozen to death.
For the past few weeks the news has been dominated by A-Rod and his steroid use... excuse my language, but who really gives a FUCK about another baseball player taking another drug when people are poor and jobless?!?! We gave $30 million (and by we I mean people lucky enough to have a job and pay taxes) to car companies that DESTROYED several American cities, and over $700 billion to banks that mismanaged their own money, but we complain about giving a woman food stamps to feed her family. WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICANS?? When did it stop being about the dream and start being about who we can screw to make a buck?? Why don't we want to help the people that are struggling; wouldn't you want someone to have your best interest in mind if you were going through one of life's many hardships??
People always say life isn't fair, but I know better, and I'm surprised no on e else has come to this conclusion

Ponderable ponderings

---->Where do hiccups come from, and is there any scientific proof they mean you're growing
---->Why do people say "cold as hell;" I've never heard anybody say hell was cold (although, nobody really knows if it's hot, either)
---->When I sneeze, someone says 'bless you', then I say 'thank you', then they say 'you're welcome'...how come there is nothing I can say after that, just to be polite? <---yes, I really thought about this :)
---->Why do they put buttons on jackets with zippers?!?!
---->Am I retarded for only recently 'discovering' the zipper on my jacket.... under all the dreadful buttons
---->Should I be able to understand what my cat is trying to tell me when he meows?? I mean, it's been almost three years, but it all sounds pretty much the same. MEOW kinda sums it up.
---->When I'm getting my eyebrows plucked, why are they always so adamant about lip waxing?? Is this just trying to upsell, or are they telling me I have a mustache?? hmmmm : -/
----> What will I ponder next???

MLK Day

I yawned as I wiped the crust from my eye, patting the covers around me in search of the remote. Got it. Fell asleep watching the Golf Channel... again. Wish it was still Tiger week. I don't even know why I'm checking the guide at the local channels; I know there's no football until 3:00, and the game I really wanna see isn't until 6:30(Go Ravens!!) My eyes immediately jump to the words "Civil Rights..." and I want to see what it's about (does that mean anything?) Anyway, I began what would turn into three, one-hour t.v. segments of different aspects and heroes of the Civil Rights movement; they spanned from the mid 1960's to the early 1970's. I watched marches and speeches, beatings and brutalities, mesmerized, as I am every year, by the struggle and the strength of my people. Many of them were jailed; too many of them were killed, and, as I watched Dr. King's non-violent protests and marches, it made me angry. It's also a little mind blowing when you really put it into perspective. I mean, this was barely fifty years ago! I never really thought about the fact that my grandmother lived through it and my mother was raised in it!!
**I mean, don't we go to war with other countries when they do stuff like this to people**
Now my brain is in overdrive, plus they keep showing Barack Obama commercials, and I'm asking myself what has really changed after all this time? I mean, okay... Halle got an Oscar, Oprah is crazy rich(excuse me, wealthy,) and, yes, we are just days away from a black President, among many, many, other things, but why do I have to associate that with things being better for black people as a whole? None of that stops a cop from beating--these days it's shooting-- a black person. None of that shows changes, nor does it show proof of changes, in the mentality of the world around me. **Whenever my boyfriend was driving his Buick late at night he ALWAYS got pulled over by the police and he NEVER got a ticket! I figure, if it's happened three times when I've been in the car, it's happened when I wasn't. What a horrible thing to have to deal with, and for no reason other than the color of your skin and the kind of car you're driving. This is the world I live in**
I feel very conflicted right now, and frustrated, and powerless...and sad. How am I supposed to live in this world where we all pretend it's fair, and nobody really talks about how it's not; that's why it doesn't change--duh--How do I do my part to move change along, and can I do it by myself?? SIGH

...like the wind

I have been feeling extra breezy lately and I really don't have a particular reason why; things have just been pretty awesome in the new year. At this moment I would like to say "Yeah!!" and WooHoo!! I'm happy to be happy, and even happier to share my happy with others. I love my family, I love my friends, I love meeeeeeeeeeee. I realize how lucky I am to experience this elation, and I thank the Lord for every day that it lasts. HAVE A GREAT WEEK :) :) :) LUV

Happy Days

Today was a happy for no reason at all. Thank you. I hope you had a happy day, too